Parenting my powerful child

In a previous article, A popsicle stick for your thoughts, I wrote about parenting strategies for my (most) powerful child, Jacob. One of the comments that I received was a recommendation for a book by Kevin Leman: Have a New Kid by Friday (thanks, Ron.)

I purchased the book from Audible along with another Leman book: Parenting Your Powerful Child. I have now listened to both, and am ready to share some of my impressions.

A quick disclaimer

I listened to the audio version of these books… at about double speed… while driving. So I wasn’t always giving the text 100% of my attention, and I certainly wasn’t taking notes or highlighting sections for future reference.

This article is what I have internalized after listening to the books: impressions and interpretations. It’s even possible that the information here might not be found in any of the books that I mention, but may be a fabrication of my own mind, inspired by the material.

If you are interested, I recommend that you read the books yourself. Kevin Leman is a professional psychologist. I am not.

A new kid by Friday???

I was a bit skeptical, but I decided to go ahead and give Have a New Kid by Friday a shot. It’s good, but not the solution to my dilemma.

“Friday” is a broad-spectrum, parenting tutorial. It covers multiple child personalities, various age groups, and a large host of situations. After listening to it, I added several new parenting strategies to my toolkit. Dr. Leman’s advice is largely in harmony with my own parenting philosophy.

I would summarize “Friday” as helpful and encouraging, but not revolutionary. I gained insight and motivation, but I didn’t have an epiphany about Jacob.

My powerful child

Parenting Your Powerful Child is more applicable to my current situation. The book is focused on children with a personality similar to my 7-year-old. Here are some things that I learned.

  • The four goals of misbehavior: attention, power, revenge, and feelings of inadequacy. I have heard this before, but had forgotten. There are plenty of discussions on the topic available on the web, so I won’t go into it here.
  • It requires two powerful people to maintain a power struggle. If one person refuses to engage, then the conflict dissolves.
  • If I want my son to learn to interact with others in a mature fashion, then I need to model to him what mature interactions look like.
  • Powerful children get a charge out of exerting power over others. Jacob only has as much power over me as I grant him.

Deny him power

I see this somewhat as a game of smoke and mirrors. He gets a rise out of exerting power? Then don’t let him think that he’s having any effect. Don’t get frustrated. Don’t get angry. Don’t let him know that he’s messed up my plans for the evening, even if he has.

This can be a challenge to implement. My boy is frequently very frustrating to deal with. I can’t let him get to me, though. If I do, then I’m possibly just fueling the fire.

The best way to accomplish this is to actually not allow his antics to affect me. Find creative ways to work around frustrations and don’t let my emotions get out of hand.

Emotional detachment

As much as I love my children, I have come to realize that in some situations I can do a better job of parenting when I am emotionally detached. Lying in bed with my girls, reading a book to them and singing bedtime songs is a great time to be fully emotionally engaged. When I am dealing with a defiant child, though, I need to learn to set aside the emotions.

I found a valuable tool to aid in emotional detachment in another book that I read recently: Outlaw by Ted Dekker. One of the many paradigm shifts I gained from this gem of a book is the concept of “costumes”.

In a nut shell, the concept is that the various roles that I play in life can be considered costumes that I put on and take off in a dramatic production. If my emotions are overwhelming my ability to think analytically about a situation, parenting or otherwise, then I can ask myself, “What role am I playing now? What can I do to better fulfill this role?”

I believe that I have been able to improve my parenting ability by imagining that I am a performer in a play, acting in the role of a father. I may not be the best father ever, but I can portray a pretty good dad when it’s required of me.

Be the adult

I want Jacob to grow in maturity, but how can I expect him to do that if the only model that I’m giving him is an adult who explodes at his antics, bristles at his disrespectful remarks, and always has to get the last word in?

I’ll conclude with a story. Recently I explained to Jacob that his behavior implies that he considers his own desires to be more important than those of others. He confirmed to me, “Yes, Dad, my own happiness is more important than other peoples’ happiness.”

So I proposed that I should live my own life to please myself, and never do anything that Jacob wanted. He readily agreed. “I think that’s a great idea, Dad.” How could I respond to that? I was tempted to give him exactly what he asked for.

Instead, I told him that I wouldn’t go through with the plan for two reasons: 1) It would be a lie. I do care about Jacob’s happiness. 2) I want him to learn unselfish behavior, and I can’t expect him to learn if I’m behaving selfishly towards him.

Jacob seemed to get the message. Only time will tell if it actually sinks in. I don’t know yet how successful my new strategies will be. I’ve only been practicing for a few weeks, and I haven’t seen any marked changes in his behavior.

I have noticed changes in myself, though. I am less cranky and sullen. I am more optimistic. I am more satisfied in my performance as a father and as a husband. I feel that I am in a good place now, and I am grateful.

– danBhentschel

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